Here's a few jokes...

Here's a few jokes that I heard recently...

1. A guy n his mother-in-law:

One day a guy comes home from work and finds his mother-in-law on the floor. So he calls 911 and the emergency personnel take her to a neighboring hospital. When this guy is in the waiting room, the Doc walks in.
"Alright I got good news n bad news"
"What's the bad news ?"
"Your mother-in-law made it. She had a bad stroke. It has left her paralyzed from her neck down. Now she's gonna live for another 20-25 years. But since she's paralyzed she can't feed herself. You've got to feed her baby food 3 times a day for the rest of her life. Also, she can't use the rest room by herself. "
"Damn... what's the good news ?"
"aaaaah... I'm just kidding with you - we screwed up. She's dead"

2. A captain n his red shirt:

This US ship was in Caribbean waters in the 1910's. The spotter spotted an enemy ship on the horizon. He rushed to the bridge to pass on this information to the captain. The captain asked for his red shirt. Soon there was fighting and after about 3 hours the ship conquered the enemies. The spotter couldn't resist asking the captain why the red shirt. The captain said if I got shot and was bleeding, you guys wouldn't notice it and keep on fighting.
The next day the spotter spotted 20 odd ships about 500 yards from the bow. He rushed to the Captain and the Captain went "Has anyone seen my new pants? They were brown and easy to wash... "

3. Magician on a Cruise:

Once there was this magician who did daily shows on a Cruise ship. The captain of this ship had a parrot that would ruin the magic show because it would speak out the tricks. "Its in his hat hrr... The thing's in his sleeve prrr... " and so this magician hated this parrot. One day he lost his cool, took out his pistol, shot at the parrot. The parrot ducked and bullet ricocheted off a door, hit the propane tank they had for fireworks backstage and blew up the whole ship into a thousand pieces. The magician n the parrot were the only survivors floating on two pieces of wood and the parrot goes
" Alright I give up. You win on this one - where's the ship ?"